The End is Near!

image: The End is Near

When they told me I was going to get life after death, I thought they meant...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer (joke)

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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen  such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh,  yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Thanks to Shaun C for forwarding this joke!

An angry mother, a surprised doctor, and a swollen belly (joke)

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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to exam the daughters swollen belly.

It only took the doctor a few seconds to say, "Ma'am your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother became very angry, and she argued with the physician that 'her' daughter was a good girl, and would never have sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently looked into the horizon.

The mother became furious and yelled, "Why are you looking out the window? Aren't you paying attention to what I said?"

"Yes, of course I am. It's just that the last time this occurred, a bright star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again, and help answer how your daughter became pregnant!

A Rabbi in the Confessional (joke)

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A priest had a family emergency and had to leave town for a few days. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he had know idea what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he would stay with him for a bit and show him the ropes. The rabbi and the priest are in the confessional and after a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What is your sin?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the poor box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What is your sin?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the poor box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What is your sin?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

Moses Could Not Enjoy Puddle Jumping Like Other Kids - Cartoon

image: young moses puddle jumping

A Young Girl, a Teacher, and Jonah

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A young girl was talking with her teacher about whales.
The teacher remarked it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very huge mammal their throat was very small.
The young girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher repeated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The ypung girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The young girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Mrs O'Malley, Father Timothy, and a Candle (Joke)

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Mrs. O'Malley was walking down Mill Road in Killorglin when she met Father Timothy.
The Father said, "Good Morning to you! Aren't you Mrs. O'Malley and didn't I marry you and your husband 1 year ago?"
She replied, "Sure, that you did, Father."
The Father asked, "And would there be there a little one yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for you and your husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank you, Father." Then they went their separate ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. O'Malley, how are you these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have you been blessed with any young ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twin boys and 4 girls, 10 all together"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is your loving other half doing?"
She replied, "Well, he's gone to Rome to blow out your bloody candle."