Everything I Need to Know About Life, I Learned From Noah's Ark

A Sick Priest and Two Attorneys Joke

image: attorney dancing
An old priest was on his deathbed. He sent a message for the two best lawyers in town to come to his home. When they arrived, they were shown upstairs to his bedroom. As they walked into the room, the old priest held out his hands and pointed for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest took both their hands and held them, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a bit, no one said anything. Both the attorneys were pleased that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also confused because the priest had never given any clue that he liked either one of them.

Finally, the first lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to visit?"

The old priest coughed a couple of times, then he quietly said, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to pass as well."

Jesus and a Carpenter at the Pearly Gates Joke

One Sunday Jesus was out for a stroll, walking near the pearly gates entrance into heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side of the gates.

"Hello? Hello?"

It was a busy day at the pearly gates, and Jesus could only hear the voice coming from a long line of people waiting for Saint Peter to grant them admission into Heaven.

Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

Jesus' became joyful and he shouted out, "Joseph?"

The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

A Catholic Priest, the Mayor, and the Fallen Joke

image: mayor
A Catholic priest was hearing confession one day when members of his congregation would kneel and say, "Forgive me father for I have sinned...I cheated on my spouse this week and I pray I can be forgiven." The priest would answer, "You are forgiven, but do your best not to commit adultery again." 

Come Sunday morning he decides to direct his sermon to those people who had committed the sin of adultery. The congregation was observant in the priest's actions because he said if they couldn't do better than this he would leave the church. The congregation liked the priest, so they came up with a code word for every time they had committed adultery, they would attend confession and admit that they had "fallen.". 

A few years passed, and the priest died and was replaced by a new, young priest. It came time for the new priest to hear confessions and he noticed that many of his members were confessing they had "fallen". The new priest was concerned about his congregation and took it upon himself to go to city hall and speak with the mayor. 

The priest meets the mayor and says, "Mr. Mayor, you have to do something about your sidewalks and walkways in the area of the Catholic church." 

The mayor looking concerned asks, "Sidewalks?" 

The priest says, "Yes. Many of your citizens have fallen this week!" 

The mayor realizes what the priest is talking about and says, "There's no need to be concerned father....it's nothing to worry about" 

The priest replied, "Nothing to worry about? I think if anyone should be worried it should be you; even your wife has fallen 3 times this week."

A Priest, A Holiday Catholic, and the Army of the Lord Joke

Image: Priest holding a bible
A man was exiting out of Saint Mary's on Christmas Day after Mass, and the priest was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands. He took the man's hand, and as he shook it, pulled him aside.

The Priest said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Father."

The priest questioned, "Why is it I only see you at Christmas and Easter?"

He answered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Two Prostitutes, a Cop, and a Religious Sign

Image: Jesus Saves
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.

Contributed by Shaun C.

A Tired Priest, a Cold Nun, and a Warm Cabin Joke

image: priest and nun
A priest and a nun are caught up in a blizzard of a snowstorm. After some time, they come upon a small cabin and knock on the door. No one answers, but the door isn't locked so they both go inside and make themselves comfortable. Being exhausted, they prepare to go to sleep.  There is a pile of blankets and a army cot but only one bed.
Being polite, the priest says, "Sister, you sleep on the bed and I'll sleep on the army cot."

Just as the priest was fluffing up a pillow, the nun says, "Father, I'm cold."

He gets up from the uncomfotable army cot, gets a blanket and puts it on her.

Once again, he gets as cozy as he can on the cot, and starts to drift off to sleep when the nun once again says, "Father, I'm still cold."

He gets up again, puts another blanket on her and gets back into the army cot.

Just as his eyes close, she says, "Father, I'm really so very cold."

This time, he remains there and says, "Sister, I have an idea. We're way out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened.  Why don't we pretend we're married?"

The nun says, "That's okay by me!"

To which the priest yells out, "Get up and get your own blanket!"

One Helluva Good Sermon Joke

image: priest
A good ol' boy went to church one Sunday. After the service he said to the priest, "Father, that was one helluva good sermon you gave today!"

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," said the priest. But I wish you wouldn't use bad language when expressing yourself."

"I can't help it," said the country boy. "I swear a lot but I liked your sermon so much I put a damm $100 bill in the collection basket."

"You're shitting me?!" replied the priest.

A Bridge, a Jumper, and a Baptist Joke

image: bridge
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Source: Emo Philips

Two Boys Praying Joke

image: boy praying
Two young boys, aged 12 and 13, were spending the night at their grandmothers. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying out loud at the top of his lungs.

His older brother looked over at his younger brother and said, "Why are you yelling your prayers?  God isn't hard of hearing."

The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

The Farmer, a Priest, and a Pooch

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A farmer by the name of O'Malley lived alone outside of Dublin except for a pet dog he loved very much. The dog finally died and O'Malley went to his parish priest, saying "Father, my dog has died. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor animal?"
Father Stephen told the farmer "No, we can't have services for a dog in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination about a mile up the road, and there is no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for your dog."

O'Malley said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Stephen replied "Why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic?!"

A Nun, a Bicycle, and the Virgin Mary Joke

image: virgin mary
There was this little boy who went to a Catholic school in Michigan. One day at school he went to a nun and said, "I would like to have a brand red bicycle."
The nun said, "Before you go to bed tonight, when you get on you knees, ask God if you can have a brand new red bicycle."

So that night the little boy got on his knees and said, "God, if you will give me a brand new bicycle I will be good for 6 months. Amen."

He got into bed and thought to himself, "Man, there is no way I can be good for 6 months!"

So he got back on his knees and said, "God, I will be good for 6 weeks if you will get me a new red bicycle."

Then he got back in bed and thought to himself, "There is no way I can be good for 6 whole weeks!"

So he got back on his knees and said, "Okay God, I will be good for 6 days if you will just get me a brand new red bicycle!"

Well, he got back in bed and laid there for several minutes, thinking. Then he looked put the window and saw the statue of the Virgin Mary in his backyard. He got up took his sheets off the bed, walked outside to the statue, put his sheets around it, walked back inside, and then put the statue under his bed.

He said, "Okay, God, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will get me a brand new red bicycle."

3 Dead Men and a Refrigerator Joke

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Three men die and all show up at Heavens pearly gates simultaneously. Saint Peter asks the first one how he died.  The man says, "I thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that every weekday on her lunch hour, she'd bring a man home to our 20th floor condominium. So today I was going to come home at lunch and catch them.  Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this man. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire place. But, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to look out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out there and stomped hard on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. I was so angry, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.  And sure enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. The refrigerator plummeted 20 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so intense that right after that I had a massive heart attack and died."

Saint Peter turned to the second man and says, "And how did you die?"

The man says, "I was out on the balcony of my 21st floor condo gazing out at the city when I lost my balance, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly below mine. When all of a sudden this wacko man comes running out of his condominium and starts yelling and stomping on my fingers! Of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, with some minor injuries, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

Saint Peter turns to the third man and says, "And how did you die?"

The man says, "OK, picture this.  I'm naked inside a refrigerator...

A Twenty-Dollar Bill, a Bible, and a Bottle of Whiskey Joke

image: peep hole
An older couple had a son, who at 22 years of age was still living at home and unemployed. They decided to do a small test. They took a twenty-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the dining room table, and hid, in a nearby closet.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunk."

So, the parents waited patiently, hiding in the nearby closet with a direct view of the dining room table. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son looked at the items left on the table. Immediately, he took the twenty-dollar bill, and slid it in his pocket. Next, he picked up the bible, flipped through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey, opened it and took a swig. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father looked at his wife, and said: "Honey, our boy is going to be a politician!"

Little Tommy and the Priest Joke

image: little boy
One Sunday morning the priest noticed little Tommy was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of eight had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning father" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Tommy asked.

"Son, these are all the people who have died in the service", answered the priest. Silently, they stood together looking at the large plaque.

Little Tommy's voice finally broke the silence when he quietly asked, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

The Priest and the Attractive Housekeeper Joke

image: housekeeper
An older priest invited a young priest over for dinner.  During the meal, the young priest couldn't help but notice how attractive the housekeeper was....she was a stunning beauty and she flirted with the older priest often. Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the older priest and the shapely housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the older priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is only professional.

About a month later the housekeeper went to the older priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to visit, I have been unable to locate the silver gravy ladle.  You don't think he took it, do you?"  The priest said, "Well, I seriously doubt it, but I'll write him a letter to be sure."  So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.  But fact remains that it has been missing ever since your visit."

A few days later, the older priest received a letter from the younger priest which read, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper.  But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

3 Southern Wise Men Joke

3 wise men
A Catholic family goes down south for a vacation, and as they're passing by a church, they spot a nativity scene. They almost pass it by when they notice that the 3 wise men are wearing fire helmets. They stop and ask a local man why the wise men are wearing fire helmets.

"Y'all must not read the Bible much!" says the local man.

"Why do you say that?" they ask.

"Cause, it says right thar in the Bible that the wise men came from a-fahr!"

Gone Fishing Joke

image: gone fishing
One cold winter a man came home very drunk, like so many nights before, to find out his wife was so upset that she had locked him out of the house. The drunk man decided to spend the night in his garage because he knew there was camping equipment and blankets stored in a few cabinets.

As he rummaged through the gear, he came upon some ice fishing rods and an ice saw, and he had a amazing idea...he would leave and go ice fishing at a nearby lake!

He was so drunk that he decided he would just walk to the lake, which was less than a mile away. He managed to stagger his way on to the ice, set up his stuff and began sawing a small hole in the ice.

From up above he heard a very loud booming voice say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”

The drunk looked up at the heavens and shook his head as he thought he had too much to drink and was hearing things. He continued to saw the hole in the ice, but once again he heard the loud booming voice from up above say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”

The drunk stopped and looked up at the heavens and asked, “God? Is that you trying to tell me I should not ice fish?”

The voice replied, “NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK!”

Jesus and the Redneck Joke

The bartender was cleaning the counter top when an old Irishman came in. The Irishman had a bad leg and he limped in, sat down, and asked for a glass of whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus sitting down there near the end of the bar?"

The bartender responded, “Yes.” and the Irishman told him to buy Jesus a glass of whiskey.

The next customer was a sickly Italian with a bad back. He slowly walked up to the bar stool and asked for a glass of white wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of white wine as well.

The third customer, a redneck, walked in and yelled. "Bar-tender, set me up with a cold beer.” Then he asked if in fact that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold beer on his tab.

As Jesus got up to leave the bar, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him on the leg and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman, his leg healed, got up and danced a jig out the door of the pub.

Jesus touched the Italian on the back and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten up and he did a flip out the side door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and shouted, "Don't touch me, I'm receiving disability!"

The Priest and the lawnmower joke

cut grass
A priest buys a gas lawnmower from a neighbor of his, but he can't get it to run. He goes to his neighbor and says, "Why can't I get the lawnmower to work?"

The neighbor says, "I forgot to tell you that it only works if you curse at it."

The priest says, "But, I haven't said a curse word in over thirty years!"

The neighbor says, "In that case, just keep trying to start it. It'll all come back to you!"