98 year old Mother Superior Joke

image:cow
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." 

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.

Forwarded by Joel P.

The Friar and Monk Joke

image: chip
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Michael replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."

The Baptist, The Rabbi, and the Priest Joke

funny priest
Two Irishmen are sitting at a tavern having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them says, "Oh, it's a shame to see a man of the church going in there."

Then they watch a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, "Oh, it's a shame to see that the Jews are falling victim to sins of the flesh."

Then they watch a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen says, "What a terrible thing. It appears one of the girls must be quite sick."

The monk that didn't speak for ten years

A man walks into a monastery and says “I want to be monk.”
Image: Monk

The abbot replies “Great! But you realize we are not allowed to talk except every ten years.”

The man replies “Fine.”

Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot asks, “Well my son what have you to say.

The man replies “Bed’s hard.”

The abbot remarks, “Is that it?”

The man says, “Yes”.

Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says, “Food stinks!”

The abbot asks, “Is that it?”

And the man says “Yes.”

Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says “Water’s cold. I quit!”

And the abbot replies, “Figures! You’ve been complaining ever since you got here!"

The Nun and Jenny

image: nun
A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Jenny says, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What's that you said?" asks the nun, disturbed and shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Jenny repeats.

"Oh, thank goodness," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

God is watching

Image: Apple
The kids were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. One of the nuns made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Please take only one apple. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large stack of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

The Pope, his driver, and a cop

The Pope goes to Chicago. He is picked up at the airport by a limo and driver. He looks at the beautiful car and asks the driver, "You know, I never get to drive any more
Image: Pope
. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!
Forwarded by Pete R.

Jesus is watching you joke

Image: Parrot
A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Puzzled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice repeats, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."

Archbishop Joseph W. Tobin, keynote plenary presenter at the Guest House Leadership Conference

A Guest House Alumnus reflects on how alcoholism affects priestly life, ministry and the efficacy of pastoral care. His thoughts on the occupational hazards of priests and what is the return on investment if one seeks treatment for addiction are very thought provoking. Many anecdotes are shared throughout. He addresses the Guest House raised cup icon which represents the grace of God that made it possible for him to continue to celebrate the Eucharist, while at the same time can be interpreted as two hands supporting a head of a person in despair. Why bother treating an alcoholic priest? He offers an answer that reflects the true spirit of Christianity.