The Real Definition of the Word 'Bastard'

catholic humor
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at St Marlo when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation...... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

Four Great Religious Truths

Four Great Religious Truths

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London.

Shamrock
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought
and placed before him.

The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Golf during church


The Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So.... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the Pastor headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church. 

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, 

"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."Just then he hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 435 YARD HOLE IN ONE! Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, 

"Why did you let him do that?"The Lord smiled and replied, 

"Who's he going to tell?"

Where do we send the bill?

Image of nun saying Where do we send the bill?
The store clerk called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."